You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
