the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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