I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
