This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
