Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
