I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
