She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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