i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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