I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
