I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
