I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
