Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
