I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
