I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
