A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
