I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
