You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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