just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
