video games are the ultimate cock blocker
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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