I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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