i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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