He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
