new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
