dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize