I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
