i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
