I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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