dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
