I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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