if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It was confusing and full of hummus
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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