Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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