I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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