babies were throwing up all over the place
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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