I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
