I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize