i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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