I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
