Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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