mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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