sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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