ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
