No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
