We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize