Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
