I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
