I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
