Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
