dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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