I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
