it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
