...so i touched it.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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