i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
