the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
