she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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