I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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