my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
