What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
