im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
